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We open our Shakespearean type tragedy by first encountering Midori Takada and her new husband Yukio. They are in Australia on their honeymoon. Yukio appears to be a successful businessman with prospects in his future. In other words, a catch. Midori appears to be a young, shy Japanese bride. But don't let that fool you. There's ominous music playing the entire opening sequence. She's up to something.
Coming back from dinner, Yukio runs into a business acquaintance who insists Yukio join him and some other suits for a few drinks in the hotel bar. Midori goes on up to their hotel room alone. But when Yukio makes it to the room himself, his bride is nowhere to be found, and there are signs that something fishy has happened. She's been kidnapped! Time to call in Terry Thorne from Proof Of Life. Instead we get Detective Bishop.
But wait, she hasn't really been kidnapped after all. A bell boy confesses she paid him to help let her out of the building through a servants entrance. Later, the manager of another, seedier hotel recognizes Midori from the news as one of his guest and calls the police. The Australian SWAT team storms the hotel room, only to find Midori has slipped out the back through the bathroom window. The young, shy Japanese bride is resourceful.
The hotel manager hands over a list of phone calls Midori made to Japan. Tracking this lead, the police discover she was trying to call a man at the company where she works. Turns out she's been having it on the side with this guy. The young, shy Japanese bride is a slut! Midori had planned to leave Yukio, hook up with her boy toy (who was supposed to fly down there), and live happily ever after in Australia. Thing is, Boy Toy got cold feet and never showed. When the police inform Yukio of all this, we first begin to see him crack.
Meanwhile, in another part of town, dark dealings are going down between a Middle Eastern crime family and . . . Elvis Presley! The National Enquirer was right, he is alive! No, wait, that's not Elvis. It's Russell Crowe with horrendous sideburns. Russell plays Colin O'Brian, a down on his luck bloke who agrees to drive the getaway car for a bank heist. Say, doesn't that one guy look familiar? Why, it's Sam from The Crossing. Small world, eh?
What a coincidence, the bank they're going to knock over is the same one Midori has gone to to get some money. (Of course, there are no coincidences in movies.) When the heist goes sour, the robbers grab Midori as a hostage.
Our Desperadoes escape town by the skin of their teeth. At a secluded place, the bank robbers plan to kill Midori because she's seen their faces. Colin protests, saying she's done nothing wrong. A criminal with a heart of gold . . . and a gun of steel, which he uses to kill one robber and wound his brother. Colin has now earned the wrath of the Islamic Mafia. (Is there such a thing? There is in this movie.) He and Midori take off.
During the investigation of the aborted bank robbery, Bishop finds evidence Midori is the woman taken hostage. He informs Yukio, who shows even more cracks in his foundation.
When the getaway car can no longer get away any longer, Colin tried to ditch Midori, but she takes after him like a little puppy. (I can't say that I blame her. I'd follow Russell Crowe wherever he went, although the sideburns have got to go.) They walk to a truck stop where Colin does the strange thing of calling the crime family and apologizing for killing their son. They try to finagle out of him where he is, but turns out Colin's got a little dab of sense and doesn't tell them.
While at the truck stop, Colin tries to steal a truck. Instead he gets his ass kicked by the driver of said vehicle. It's up to Midori to save him. The young, shy Japanese bride is a tough cookie. Not only does she clobber the driver, she manages to succeed at what Colin failed at and steals a ride.
At an abandoned building, Midori tends to Colin's wounds as she tells him about her life. She also formulates a more successful bank job than the crime family did. Her plan is to act as an innocent bystander who is taken hostage by Colin. He'll threaten to kill her unless the bank hands over some money, which they do. The young, shy Japanese bride is a criminal mastermind.
But never fear, Detective Bishop is still on the case. He recognizes Midori from the bank's security camera and correctly assumes she's now in league with her kidnapper. He informs Yukio of this latest development, and it's here that Yukio decides it's time for his young, shy Japanese bride to die.
Don't forget the crime family. They're still hell bent on finding Colin. Using the power of the Internet, they hack into hotel and motel records, figuring Colin will feel safe enough to register under his own name.
Spending their ill-gotten gains, Colin buys a new getaway car and Midori gets her hair dyed blonde. The hairdresser also reads Midori's palm, giving the dire prediction she or someone close to her will die suddenly. When Colin arrives (in a tank top!) to pick Midori up, the hairdresser comments he's worthy of a blow job on the first date. Obviously this is a wise woman.
Yukio continues his spiral into madness. Mapping out his wife's path through the robberies she's been involved in, he feels he can find her. (So why don't the police do the same thing?) He asks his friend/business acquaintance to get him a gun and a motorbike. As Yukio is examining the gun, he accidentally kills his friend. It's kind of a funny scene, but then I'm cold blooded. Anyway, Yukio shaves his head and begins his journey towards vengeance.
On a dirt road in the outback, Our Duo nearly run down a wheelchair-bound accordion player. Why, it's Colin "Do you come from a land Down Under?" Hay from Men At Work. Just so you won't get Colin Hay confused with Colin as played by Russell, Hay's character is called Nigel. After nearly killing him, the least they can do is give Nigel a lift into town. During the drive, Colin (not the swooftest of hardened criminals) mentions they're heading for his dad's farm, giving the location and his father's name. Now Nigel has important knowledge of where Our Duo is headed, which spells out his doom. They drop Nigel off at a pub where he terrorizes the patrons with his accordion playing.
At the motel, Colin (not the brightest light bulb in the lamp) doesn't realize successful bank robbers use aliases, and so checks in under his real name. This is just the break the crime family is waiting for. They hop into a car and head off for their prey.
In their room, Colin strips off his pants (Yes! What damn sexy legs. And it's boxers in case you're wondering. Okay, back to the movie.) and puts the gun in the top dresser drawer. Remember that, it'll come back into play later. The room has two beds and Colin is gentleman enough to offer the better of the two to Midori. Somehow she restrains herself and doesn't jump his bones right then and there. Can't say that I could have held back. Midori instead channels her sexual desires into talking about her past mistakes and bad luck.
In a bit of irony, we see Yukio on his bike being passed by the crime family in their car. Our Duo is doomed.
The next morning, Colin cleans himself up in the room (shaving everything but those atrocious mutton chops) while Midori goes shopping. It's a good thing she's away, as Colin's enemies show up. They do this horrible, horrible thing to Colin. It's just too awful to tell! Alright, I'll tell. They nail his hands to the top of the dresser.
Right as they're about to pluck out one of his eyes, Midori returns to the room. The two men are distracted, and Colin does this horrible, horrible thing. It's just too awful to tell! Alright, I'll tell. He pulls his hand up off the dresser, ripping the nail all the way through his palm. He grabs the gun out of the drawer and manages to kill both men.
The killing of two suspected criminals draws the attention of Detective Bishop. He flies out to the crime scene, touching evidence without gloves on, and learns the identity of Colin.
A little worse for wear, Colin and Midori make it to his old man's farm. Dad's had a bit of a sorry life, but that's not important. What's important is Midori finally comes to her senses, ties Colin down to the bed, and grinds him like a cup of coffee. The young, shy Japanese bride is into bondage. Afterwards, the two make plans to head for the beach the next day. Bad idea. If you've ever seen other Russell Crowe films you know he never has anything good happen at the beach. (See: Romper Stomper)
Yukio stops in at a restaurant where the palm reading hairdresser, strung out on something, is trying to eat a bowl of chicken soup. She comments that Yukio's people look good as blondes. Somehow he makes a connection that this woman has encountered Midori and shows a picture of his wife to the hairdresser. The woman makes a positive ID, and as thanks for all her trouble Yukio breaks her neck. Apparently no one else in the restaurant notices this and Yukio calmly walks away from the corpse.
Next he stops into the pub for a beer and shows his picture. He's directed to find Nigel, who's puttering down the road in his souped up motorized wheelchair. Yukio catches up to Nigel, learns what he needs to know, and shoots the accordion player.
As Colin and Midori are leaving the farm, Dad takes a polaroid of the two, writing on the picture where they are going. Not long after they're gone, Yukio shows up. He kills the father and finds the picture. Now he has a clue as to where they're going.
Colin and Midori pass a place where they're holding a Bachelor and Spinster Ball. Remember those fancy clothes Midori bought back when Colin was being tortured? Well it's time to break them in. Part of you may be thinking that wanted criminals on the lam being pursued by the police shouldn't slow down for a dance. The other part of you is probably thinking, "Yes! Russell Crowe in a tuxedo! Just what this movie needed."
Blowing the last of their loot on admission, Colin and Midori slow dance to an old Bee Gees tune. Nothing sets the mood for romance better than the Bee Gees.
As they're leaving the ball, they're confronted by Yukio. You're most likely asking, "How did he know they'd be at the ball?" Ya know, I ask myself that same question. Yukio fatally wounds Colin. Midori races to the car to get their gun. Yukio fatally wounds her. Midori fatally wounds Yukio. Everyone is fatally wounded.
By the time Bishop arrives at the crime scene, little ol' wounded Midori has managed to get big burly wounded Colin into the car. They were heading for the beach and by golly they're going to get there, police pursuit or no police pursuit!
As Music For Doomed Lovers plays, Midori reaches the beach, flips the car and gets it on fire. Colin is already gone, but she's still conscious. Facing a fiery death, Midori takes the gun and kills herself. The young, shy Japanese bride is now toast.
Thus this tragic story comes to a close, with only Detective Bishop to survive to tell the tale.
[The reason I compare this movie to a Shakespearean tragedy is because if you take the time to go back over this cheat sheet and tally up the body count, just about every character with a speaking part in this movie is dead! And that's not even counting four other bodies I left out because they weren't important to the story. It kind of reminds me of Hamlet. Everyone's dead in that story too.]